This City is a Beast Part 3: The Final Chapter

This is it, the final five delegaciones in the ol' Federal District. You know the drill: A Safety Rating of 1 means safer than a pizza at an anorexic treatment center, 10 means the same pizza, but at an Over eaters Anonymous Meeting (as in very, very unsafe for the slow kids in the class). Without further delay:

Can't wait to get to number 15...

12. Cuauhtemoc: Named after one of the last Aztec emperors, famous really  because of his getting his feet burned by the Spanish conquistadors during a torture session. This delegacion includes the Centro, or Downtown, which is, if you look at the map, anything but the center of the city. This, boys and girls, is because in the past 100 years or so, the city has grown at an astronomical rate, with the population going from 500,000 people in 1900 to about 21,000,000 in 2009. The Centro is home to the ol' Cathedral, the Palacio Nacional, the Zocalo, the Museum of the Templo Mayor (which has a friggin' full blown pyramid in it, no shit), countless smaller museums and historic buildings, and my personal favorite, historic cantinas. Back in San Diego, there was a time when I lived downtown and it was awesome. Bars and restaurants galore. Living in Mexico City's downtown, however, is a really, really bad idea. Mainly due to congestion, both from cars and from people. The Zocalo is the rally point of almost EVERY major mass demonstration that takes place in the city (and as I posted earlier, there are a LOT of these in the city), has one way streets, and a shitload of foot traffic. Safety Rating: 4. The large amount of tourism to this area means that you'll be relatively safe around the Zocalo and the surrounding area. But wander off the beaten path and you will regret it. Fun Fact: This is the area of the city that's slowly sinking, but since the city is 7000 feet above sea level, I don't exactly see it submerged underwater anytime soon.

13. Gustavo A. Madero: Despite this being a pretty large area of the city, all I know about it is that has a Basilica to the Virgin of Guadalupe, a hell of a lot of people, the occasional factory and slums. Safety Rating: 7, Don't Come Here. Nothing to see here, nothing to do here, and for some reason, almost every time the cops find bodies in a car or weapon caches, it always seems to be in this delegacion. Fun Fact: Every year, people from around the country make pilgrimages to the Basilica of the Virgin of Guadalupe, which unfortunately leads to mass casualties when people either get run over or buses carrying said pilgrims tip over, spilling their contents on the highway.

14. Tláhuac: All you need to know about this place is that two cops were burned to death here in 2004 by an angry mob and a third was beaten within an inch of his life. The cops aren't even safe here. Safety Rating: 9. Small town mentality coupled with a penchant for vigilantism never leads to good things. My personal opinion of this area after visiting a few museums in this delegacion: backwater shit hole.

15. Iztapalapa: Where o where to begin with this one... Iztapalapa reminds me of "District 9", not the plot but the actual district in the movie (sans aliens). Most of the area is just one gargantuan shantytown, with the rest being comprised of dilapidated brick and cement houses and stores. The area is also home to some 1.8 million people (although who the hell knows how many actually live there since the census people didn't exactly stick around to do a thorough job), making it one of the largest districts in Mexico City. By the way, it's also the poorest district in the city. And the most crime filled. Unlike some of the other districts I've covered, which have the occasional museum or historic building or whatever, there is absolutely no reason I can think of to go to Iztapalapa. Safety Rating: 10 - Mini War zone. Gang killings, random muggings, burglary, hit and runs, this area has it all (yet I'd still rather live here than in Northern Mexico). If you enjoy, you know, being alive, do not come here. Fun Fact: Iztapalapa is also referred to as Iztapa"lacra" (lacra meaning scum).

16. Iztacalco: Contains the Palacio de los Deportes (some damn fine concerts have been held here), the Autodromo Hermanos Rodriguez, and the Foro Sol (which is the best concert venue in the city), all in close proximity to one another. Those are the only three things worth seeing in this delegacion. Safety Rating: 4, Not Too Shabby. It's not really a bad place to visit, it just looks awful. Fun Fact: I used to mock Mexican baseball (played at the Foro Sol) until I actually went to a game. I think cheap beer in massive quantities has a way of making the game pants-shittingly awesome.

There you have it, all 16 Delegaciones in Mexico City described in mediocre detail and with my own questionable opinion thrown into the mix. All kidding aside, please don't go to Iztapalapa or Azcapotzalco.