This City is a Beast Part 3: The Final Chapter

This is it, the final five delegaciones in the ol' Federal District. You know the drill: A Safety Rating of 1 means safer than a pizza at an anorexic treatment center, 10 means the same pizza, but at an Over eaters Anonymous Meeting (as in very, very unsafe for the slow kids in the class). Without further delay:

Can't wait to get to number 15...

12. Cuauhtemoc: Named after one of the last Aztec emperors, famous really  because of his getting his feet burned by the Spanish conquistadors during a torture session. This delegacion includes the Centro, or Downtown, which is, if you look at the map, anything but the center of the city. This, boys and girls, is because in the past 100 years or so, the city has grown at an astronomical rate, with the population going from 500,000 people in 1900 to about 21,000,000 in 2009. The Centro is home to the ol' Cathedral, the Palacio Nacional, the Zocalo, the Museum of the Templo Mayor (which has a friggin' full blown pyramid in it, no shit), countless smaller museums and historic buildings, and my personal favorite, historic cantinas. Back in San Diego, there was a time when I lived downtown and it was awesome. Bars and restaurants galore. Living in Mexico City's downtown, however, is a really, really bad idea. Mainly due to congestion, both from cars and from people. The Zocalo is the rally point of almost EVERY major mass demonstration that takes place in the city (and as I posted earlier, there are a LOT of these in the city), has one way streets, and a shitload of foot traffic. Safety Rating: 4. The large amount of tourism to this area means that you'll be relatively safe around the Zocalo and the surrounding area. But wander off the beaten path and you will regret it. Fun Fact: This is the area of the city that's slowly sinking, but since the city is 7000 feet above sea level, I don't exactly see it submerged underwater anytime soon.

13. Gustavo A. Madero: Despite this being a pretty large area of the city, all I know about it is that has a Basilica to the Virgin of Guadalupe, a hell of a lot of people, the occasional factory and slums. Safety Rating: 7, Don't Come Here. Nothing to see here, nothing to do here, and for some reason, almost every time the cops find bodies in a car or weapon caches, it always seems to be in this delegacion. Fun Fact: Every year, people from around the country make pilgrimages to the Basilica of the Virgin of Guadalupe, which unfortunately leads to mass casualties when people either get run over or buses carrying said pilgrims tip over, spilling their contents on the highway.

14. Tláhuac: All you need to know about this place is that two cops were burned to death here in 2004 by an angry mob and a third was beaten within an inch of his life. The cops aren't even safe here. Safety Rating: 9. Small town mentality coupled with a penchant for vigilantism never leads to good things. My personal opinion of this area after visiting a few museums in this delegacion: backwater shit hole.

15. Iztapalapa: Where o where to begin with this one... Iztapalapa reminds me of "District 9", not the plot but the actual district in the movie (sans aliens). Most of the area is just one gargantuan shantytown, with the rest being comprised of dilapidated brick and cement houses and stores. The area is also home to some 1.8 million people (although who the hell knows how many actually live there since the census people didn't exactly stick around to do a thorough job), making it one of the largest districts in Mexico City. By the way, it's also the poorest district in the city. And the most crime filled. Unlike some of the other districts I've covered, which have the occasional museum or historic building or whatever, there is absolutely no reason I can think of to go to Iztapalapa. Safety Rating: 10 - Mini War zone. Gang killings, random muggings, burglary, hit and runs, this area has it all (yet I'd still rather live here than in Northern Mexico). If you enjoy, you know, being alive, do not come here. Fun Fact: Iztapalapa is also referred to as Iztapa"lacra" (lacra meaning scum).

16. Iztacalco: Contains the Palacio de los Deportes (some damn fine concerts have been held here), the Autodromo Hermanos Rodriguez, and the Foro Sol (which is the best concert venue in the city), all in close proximity to one another. Those are the only three things worth seeing in this delegacion. Safety Rating: 4, Not Too Shabby. It's not really a bad place to visit, it just looks awful. Fun Fact: I used to mock Mexican baseball (played at the Foro Sol) until I actually went to a game. I think cheap beer in massive quantities has a way of making the game pants-shittingly awesome.

There you have it, all 16 Delegaciones in Mexico City described in mediocre detail and with my own questionable opinion thrown into the mix. All kidding aside, please don't go to Iztapalapa or Azcapotzalco.

This City is a Beast Part 2: This Time It's Personal

Last post I covered six of the sixteen districts in Mexico City before realizing that most of you moving to this city will probably never have to set foot in some of these unless you're into some pretty illegal shit. So, I'll try to deal with the remaining ten districts (or delegaciones) in a manner that is both brief and, hopefully, informative. Let's get to it:

Note: 1 on the Safety Rating = Good, 10 = Good God Man, Run!

Numero 7: Coyoacan. The haunt of hippies, pseudo-intellectuals, gringos like me and the elderly. Famous residents included Leon Trotsky (till they brained him with a fricking icepick, well, something like an icepick http://www.cracked.com/article_16822_7-historical-figures-who-were-absurdly-hard-kill.html), Diego Rivera and Frida Kahlo....along with several ex-presidents, ex-senators, ex-congressmen, retired actors. But Trotsky, Rivera and Kahlo are the big three you should remember, since I have yet to come across one of my fellow Americans who knows who Miguel de la Madrid was/is (is he still alive?). Coyoacan is littered with colonial style buildings which enhance bars and restaurants (my personal favorite area being the Centro de Coyoacan, but not Centro Coyoacan, which is a mall, that little de really makes a difference). Safety Rating: A Nice and Solid 2 - Coyoacan is still part of the city, never forget that... Fun Fact: The chairs in the bar El Hijo del Cuervo in Coyoacan's historic center are the most uncomfortable pieces of shit I've ever sat in, yet curiously, after that 4th pitcher of beer, they become Laz-E-Boys.

8. Venustiano Carranza: Named after a former president (by former I mean, assassinated) who by all accounts was a decent enough guy with a ridiculous name, this place is a no-go-zone. The VC, as I am referring to it since typing out the full name is a pain in the ass, is where the airport is. That's it. You have no business going elsewhere in this delegacion. Safety Rating: 8, You Should Be Running - I don't think of myself as a person who scares easily (I live in this city after all), but God help you if you get lost in this area at night. Fun Fact: Getting lost while coming back from the airport in this area I have seen some shit you wouldn't even believe, let's leave it at that.

9. Magdalena Contreras: Nothing to see here people. Safety Rating: 5, Meh. Residential area. Fun Fact: http://www.mcontreras.df.gob.mx/turismo/esculturas.html there's, uh, statues!

10. Xochimilco (pronounced So-chi-meel-ko): By far the best thing to see here are the canals that date back to when the Aztecs ruled the region. When I was in high school, you could drink on the little boats that navigate the canals, now it seems, the Man doesn't let you do that anymore (though for the right price I'm sure you could get away with it) since, as always, some drunken moron had to drown and just fucking ruin it for the rest of us.

You learn to ignore the brightly colored boats after that first bottle of Bacardi

Oh, and Xochimilco has a huge population, making it, like any other densely populated area in the city, insanely dangerous. Safety Rating: 7, Insanely Dangerous - Best way to organize a trip down here is with more than 10 people, I shit you not. Safety in numbers people. Fun Fact: The water in the canals tastes like lime, or at least that's what the local kids who were swimming in that green sludge told us back in 2001.

11. Azcapotzalco: There's 32,000 people per square mile in this delegacion, and it's only 13 square miles big. The only thing I know about Azcapotzalco is that gringos like me should never go there. A couple of words that come to mind when I think of this area: bleak, poverty, dangerous, gunshot. Safety Rating: 8, Don't Ever, Ever Come Here. Just an awful place. Fun Fact: Despite having a respectably large crime rate, Azcapotzalco is nowhere near as dangerous as Ciudad Juarez, or the rest of Northeastern Mexico for that matter.

I'll Get to the Last 5 As Soon As Is Humanly Possible I Feel Like It.

This City is a Beast Part 1

In this edition I will cover the various ethnic and religious groups that inhabit Mexico City....just kidding, I'm going to be a snob and tell you what areas to avoid like the plague.

Shitty map, I know, I know...

I'm going to rate the following districts on a scale of violent crime from 1 to 10. 1 being rural 1950's Utah and 10 being present day Afghanistan levels of violence. So let's get started...

1. Benito Juarez: Middle-class neighborhood currently undergoing urban renewal (basically they're getting rid of the hobos and building a hell of a lot of condos).Notable sights are the World Trade Center, and, um, that's about it. Safety Rating: 3 - Not a bad place to live compared to some of the other areas on this post, but carjackings and armed robbery are still somewhat commonplace. Fun Fact: This area is now the de facto center of the city due to the ridiculous expansion of the city in the south.

2. Miguel Hidalgo: THE tourist hub of the city. Includes Polanco, Reforma, and Chapultepec (among other areas), along with sights such as Chapultepec Castle, the Museum of Anthropology, the Torre Mayor (tallest building in Latin America up until recently, which is kind of sad really) and the American and British Embassies. Would be a great place to live, if it weren't for all the damn mass demonstrations in Reforma that turn the area into one big traffic jam some days. Safety Rating: 2 - I'd give this area a 1, if it weren't for all the people I know who have been mugged in Polanco (which may or may not give me an unfair bias) and since the area has the most exclusive shopping areas in, well, the country, you're really just asking for trouble if you go out here at night. Fun Fact: The Torre Mayor can withstand an 8.5 richter scale earthquake (the equivalent of 84.4 megatons of TNT, no shit), so if you're going to work someplace here, try to get a job at one of the firms there.

3. Milpa Alta: As an expat or tourist, you have no business coming here, seriously. Sights include dirt farms, abandoned homes, scary alleys and stray dogs. Safety Rating: 7 - Just don't come down here gringo. Fun Fact: I got nothing, honestly.

4. Cuajimalpa: Includes Santa Fe (a.k.a. the most modern residential and office buildings in the country, plus big ass mall), Contadero (mansions of ex-presidents and actors just minutes away from slums) and my personal favorite, golf courses galore. This area would be amazing, except for the fact that the area used to be a fucking landfill before they started a massive construction program in the 70's, digging out the trash but leaving an enormous tunnel network underground. Moving here is not a bad idea, but you may regret it when you put down $500,000 (USD, mind you) for your 35th floor, 4 bedroom apartment and you have to deal with your first big earthquake. Safety Rating: 1 and 6 - 1 if you live in "Ciudad" Santa Fe (picture 1), 6 if you live in the "colorful" part of Contadero (picture 2).     

Picture 1

Picture 2

5. Alvaro Obregon: Quiet, mostly residential, and surprisingly clean. My only beef with the area is the abundance (or over-abundance) of DUI checkpoints in an area known for its bars and restaurants. Probably not a good place to live if you're under 35, since there's not a lot to see or do during the day. Safety Rating: 3 - Drunks + Closing Time = Trouble. Well, there's also a fair amount of carjackings and muggings, just like any other part of the city, really. Fun Fact: Avenida de la Paz, in San Angel, has the most bars per square mile that I've seen in this city in my 8 years of living here.

6. Tlalpan: Besides having a weird, weird name, this district is also massively enormously gigantically huge. I'm not kidding when I say Tlalpan at least twice as big as my hometown of San Diego, California, both in area (of San Diego's downtown, let's not get carried away and include suburbia) and population (let's include suburbia and, what the hell, Anaheim). Safety Rating: Variable but I say 5 - Due to the enormity of the district, which could be a city in its own right, there is both nice, clean, crime-free areas and dingy, urban, shitholes where crime is rampant. Fun Fact: I still get lost here.

How to Take a Cab

For those of you new to the city, driving will seem like a suicide mission (notice how I don't say "at first driving will seem like a suicide mission", trust me, you never get used to it). People here drive like fucking maniacs, and that is not in any way an understatement. It's like there's someone giving away free money somewhere in the city and everybody knows about it but you. Cab drivers, truck drivers, hell, even soccer moms drive like they're at Le Mans. 

Don't despair, salvation comes in the form of a mid-nineties design Nissan sedan: 

Not the prettiest gal, but ol' Bessie will get you where you want to go

Why Would I Take a Cab?: Cabs are the difference between a night spent sleeping it off at home, or a night of overwhelming terror in jail. And don't get me started on how cheap they are compared to their American counterparts, 70 pesos (about $5.50 USD) gets you across town safe and sound. In some cases, depending on how much you drive, taking cabs to the office and back may end up being cheaper than what you pay for gas. Cabs are good, is I guess the gist of this post. 

How to Take a Cab: I really don't care where you are from in the States, but down here, taking a cab is pretty different than in most major American cities. You don't take cabs on the street. Unless, of course, you feel like playing Russian Roulette with your life (more on that in a sec...). You do want to learn the word sitio. As in sitio de taxis, or in English, Taxi Stand. Since these generally have to be licensed by the city to operate (the rules get a little iffy outside of the city), which makes them a hell of a lot safer than street cabs (gypsy cabs if you will), where, up until recently, the only requirement was a car, some paint, and a driver's license.

Why Can't I Take a Street Cab?: If it makes you feel good about yourself, by all means take one. Just don't come crying to me when you find yourself wearing a hood over you head, in a dingy basement, while the kidnappers decide what to do with you. Or you could find yourself in just a straight up mugging situation, in which case your only worry is whether or not the cab driver (or his accomplice)  will shoot you even if you give him your wallet/purse. 

The smug face of terror...

Should I Tip The Driver?: You don't have to unless you feel like it, the driver will probably not chase you down demanding a tip.

Tip: Know where the hell you are going when you get in a cab. If the cab driver smells indecision, he will take the longest route possible with the most traffic and run the meter up as much as he can.